


Rules

by justhere



Category: Infinite (Band), K-pop
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 10:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4603236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhere/pseuds/justhere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When tragedy strikes at Infinite's second oldest, the happy virus falls into quite an uncharacteristic depression.</p>
<p>Hoya, unused to such behavior from his partner- or from anyone, for that matter- develops a set of rules for himself to follow in order to help Dongwoo get back onto his feet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules

It was a full four months after the incident that Dongwoo went back to promoting with Infinite.

In total, it had been nearly a year since that tragedy, but everyone knew that Dongwoo was still not the same. I couldn't do much but be there when he needed me, but even then, it seemed as if everything I did was useless in the end. He remained nearly unresponsive at times, stuck in extended bouts of self-loathing the rest of the time.

I saw this, Infinite saw this, the company saw this, and even the fans saw this. He would put up a front for the crowd, his wide smile making its reappearance, but it never reached his eyes. It wasn't hard to detect the deceit in such an action. 

He didn't put up that facade around the group. No, when we were rehearsing or when we were back at the dorm, he allowed his true feelings to be on full display. I'm not sure which I would have preferred more. True, I would be offended if he didn't trust us with how he really felt, but seeing his actions vary from zombie-like to frantic and panicked is quite disconcerting.

This is not to say that he hasn't smiled for real in a year. Dongwoo is able to have fun. He will smile and joke around with us without seeming as distant as usual, but those moments are now few and far between.

I cracked. We took Dongwoo to see a specialist after a year of him denying it was necessary, and he was predictably diagnosed with depression. He was given medication that he insisted he wouldn't be taking, but he's been on them for a week now. For that week, he's hardly spoken a single word to any of us; he was angry at our betrayal- how we disregarded his personal interests and took him to see a psychiatrist anyway. Honestly, though, I couldn't see any other way at this point- I was genuinely worried he might destroy himself over this.

He doesn't look after himself and I knew I had to do something. Putting him on antidepressants was one thing, but how could he get better without someone close to him knowing what they were doing? _I_ had no clue how to deal with someone with depression, seeing as I'd never been up close in a depressed person's business before. No one that I've ever personally known has had to suffer through this illness, so I was at a total loss on what was actually helpful. 

So far, I'd only gotten pushed away to the point that we usually don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, and oftentimes I'll find him sleeping on the couch. I've insisted many times that if it would make him more comfortable, I would sleep on the sofa so he could have our bed, but of course, he refused.

It was dragging me down. Hell, sometimes I felt that  _I_ was the one suffering here, only because I took his problems on as my own. I tried to carry the burden for him, but once I realized that it isn't actually helping anyone, I stopped. I stopped and I thought-  _what could I do to reverse depression?_

And the only result I came to was- _there is nothing. Depression can't be reversed._ But that doesn't mean I couldn't make his life enjoyable again. Maybe I can't balance out the chemicals in his brain, but I can help him in anything and everything. Depression isn't his life, it's his illness- and he is not an illness; he is a person who is suffering.

That new outlook inspired me to create a set of rules. With proper research combined with my detailed personal observations of Dongwoo's behaviour, I'm sure I can come up with some guidelines to help me restore this man's carefree attitude and hopefully make this a great deal easier for him to handle.

* * *

_One year prior~_

_"Hoaegi, hurry up! I don't want to be late!" an impatient rapper chastised me from the front hall of the dorm._

_"Just one more second!" I shouted back from our bedroom, fixing my hair in the mirror again. It wasn't like me to be vain, but I'd never actually met Dongwoo's family before, and I only wanted to make a perfect first impression._

_I heard his exasperated sigh from where I was and I couldn't help but smile as I turned away from the mirror and grabbed my jacket on the way out of the room. "I'm here," I called to him and he smiled right back._

_"You look great!" he complimented enthusiastically, grabbing my wrist and pulling me to the door. "Now let's go!"_

_Not another word was spoken until both of us were in the car- he was driving and I stayed nervously in the passenger's seat, waiting as he drove me to what I'd been so anxious about for weeks now._

_"Howon, you seriously need to calm down," he said nonchalantly as he pulled out onto the main road._

_I chuckled and held onto his hand that had been resting on the gear shift. "I'm nervous, is that so wrong? What if your parents won't accept me?"_

_I saw him give a half-smile, but he kept his eyes on the road in front of him. "I'm pretty sure my family is about as nonjudgemental as it gets. They would probably be okay if I was dating a drug dealer as long as I loved them. Besides, at least this isn't as bad as when I met your family- you're lucky I don't have any aunts, uncles, or cousins to torture you with!"_

_I laughed at that, because it was true. I took him back to my hometown with me one night last month, telling him he would be meeting my family. I neglected to inform him, however, that he would be meeting me_ whole  _family. It must have been terrifying and intimidating to be put in a situation like that, but I don't regret it. Everyone loved him and accepted him right away, so I probably have nothing to fear with his own small family either._

_"You're right, I'll stop worrying," I grumbled, but the grin never left my face._

_"I, for one, am really excited!"_

_"Why's that, babe?" I mused._

_He bit his lip to keep his giant smile at bay, and I found it to be one of the cutest things I'd ever seen. "Because I talk to my noonas about you all the time and I can't wait to show you off for real," he replied. "I'm excited because I know everybody will love you and it will all be perfect, I know it."_

_I squeezed his hand as opposed to replying, feeling my nerves return all of a sudden. What if I screw up, and this won't turn out how he hopes for it to be? I know he gets really high expectations, and even if he tries to hide it, he does get very disappointed when things like this don't work out the way that he intends for them to go._

_Soon enough, though, we arrived at his childhood home. It was small and quaint, looking like the ideal home for a small family- like one you'd see on television, and it instantly had the corners of my lips turning up. It's just as I had expected it to be. He parked quickly, already dragging me along to the front door. He was practically vibrating in his shoes as he waited for someone to answer the door, and it was obvious he'd given up trying to hide his grin._

_"Dongwoo-ah!" an elderly woman opened up the wooden door gently before throwing open her arms, blocking him access to the house until he gave her a hug, to which he obviously complied._

_"Grandma-" he called back and allowed himself to be pulled into her tight embrace. "I missed you! You've been taking your medicine, right? My dad isn't giving you too much trouble is he? You know he means well-"_

_"Everything is perfect, Dongwoo," she assured him with a laugh, pulling away stiffly and wobbling back to allow us both to enter. "You must be Howon," she addressed me, reaching forward. I thought she was going to shake my hand, but the next thing I knew, I was in her arms. I was a bit shocked at first, but soon enough, I hugged her back as Dongwoo laughed at us from beside._

_"It's very nice to meet you, ma'am," I said as politely as I could once she had released me._

_"So polite!" she declared, looking to Dongwoo, who only beamed and replied with "Isn't it cute?"_

_I gave a sheepish smile at that, a bit embarrassed, but it didn't seem that I did anything wrong, so I allowed myself to relax a bit. "Well, come on in, both of you," she urged, sending us deeper into the home so she could close the door. "Dinner is almost ready." The two of us followed her welcome and took off our shoes._

_I saw the way she smiled gratefully at Dongwoo when he held her arm and led her to the kitchen with us, supporting her slightly. I instantly saw where that iconic smile of his came from- it was clearly something that ran in the family._

_"Dongwoo!" a higher pitched voice came out of nowhere before Dongwoo was attacked with another hug. "Let me take your coats," his sister said, politely gathering up both of our jackets before returning to us. She looked me up and down in the middle of the hallway, grinning evilly. His other sister approached as well, giving her proper greetings to her brother before joining the other in inspecting me._

_"He's hotter in person, you picked a good one, Dongwoo-ah," one of them said._

_"So true, I'd take you in a heartbeat if you weren't dating that loser," the other joked as she pointed back towards Dongwoo._

_His eyes were wide and a bright red blush painted his cheeks beautifully as his grandmother hurriedly agreed with the girls. "If you guys ever break up, give me a call!" she exclaimed, busting a gut laughing as she held herself up with Dongwoo's arm. He looked so adorably flustered, and I'd never seen him like this before. He was trying to laugh it off, but obviously family knew how to really embarrass someone, and he didn't look like he'd be recovering from those comments any time soon._

_I grinned too, winking at his grandmother playfully as I approached and offered my own arm to take her off of the unhinged man's hands. Both of his sisters were pleased with their work, so I leaned forward to softly kiss him on the lips, allowing my eyes to stare deeply into his and my thumb to trace across his cheekbone gently for just a moment before turning away to lead the elderly woman on to the kitchen._

_I'd tried to tell him silently that I would never leave him for his sisters or for his grandmother (though that situation was ridiculous in and of itself, but honestly, what else could I expect from_ Dongwoo _'s family?). I didn't turn back, already knowing that his blush had only intensified but he now had a sincere, content smile in place. I did hear his noonas giggling, though, before I entered the kitchen and sat his grandmother down onto a chair. Dongwoo joined me moments later, followed by the two other girls still pestering him._

_"Mom," he called out, and said woman looked up from her cooking to see all of us together._

_"Dongwoo, my baby," she cooed, shuffling around the counter in her slippers with her arms already wide. He grinned again and shook off the previous awkwardness as he embraced his mother. They stayed that way for quite a while, squeezing the life out of one another, and if it wasn't such a cute reunion, I would have felt a bit awkward over here by myself._

_She pulled away first, though, and then glanced at me over Dongwoo's shoulder._

_"Howon, welcome to our home, it's a pleasure to meet you," she greeted cheerfully as she moved away from her son to give me a hug as well. And this time, I was prepared for the affection that was so characteristic of the Jang family._

_"It's very nice to meet you too, Mrs. Jang. Thank you so much for your hospitality. I am so honoured to meet the woman responsible for this," I grinned, motioning to Dongwoo's whole being._

_She laughed at me, but it wasn't in a bad way. "Such a charmer! That will get you far," she replied as she returned to her place by the stove to finish up dinner. "We'll talk more once dinner is ready, why don't you go keep your father company in the living room?"_

_"Mhm," Dongwoo replied enthusiastically, grabbing my hand and hurrying off to see his father. When we were out of the kitchen and in the hallway, he turned toward me with sparkling eyes. "I told you not to be worried," he whispered excitedly._

_I grinned and stopped him from walking for a brief moment as I used my free hand to weave my fingers through his hair. Instead of giving a verbal reply, I kissed him thoughtfully, utterly pleased with how this was turning out. There really was nothing to worry about. He removed his hand from mine in favor of grabbing onto my waist to deepen the kiss. My other hand now rested on the back of his neck to tilt his head the way I wanted, when-_

_"Yah! Mom said to go to the living room, not make out in the hallway!"_

_Dongwoo pulled away immediately, the blush back on his cheeks (and seemingly permanently this time). "He started it!" he yelled, accusing me before grabbing my hand and running back towards the living room so he wouldn't have to hear any smart-ass responses from his sister. His family surely was amusing at the least; tonight wouldn't be boring._

_"Dad, I'm home," he called out into the room, and I saw the man sitting on the sofa reading a book. He grinned widely as he closed the novel and set it to the side, standing to greet his son._

_"Welcome home, Dongwoo-ah. It's about time you paid us a visit. And you've kept your boyfriend to yourself for far too long. Were you worried he wouldn't pass my criteria?" he joked._

_Dongwoo, though, looked a bit panicked all of a sudden. "Criteria?"_

_"Of course I have criteria. I need to make sure this man is worthy of my son."_

_"Dad, you only do that for girls! It's supposed to be the_ daughter  _of an overprotective father, not the_ son _!" he whined cutely._

_Mr. Jang raised his eyebrows at that. "Well who's idea was it to bring a boy home?" he pushed, not seeming disapproving or insensitive, just trying to embarrass Dongwoo further._

_Dongwoo huffed in defeat and released his grip on my hand. "Fine, you win that one. But I'm not a girl."_

_"Did I say you were a girl?" the man laughed at his son's grumpy attitude. "Quit acting like a kid and introduce us," he said with a welcoming smile._

_Dongwoo's face brightened up immediately. "Dad, meet Howon. I'm sure you've seen a lot of him. And Howon, meet my dad," he said, holding my hand again now as he looked up at me expectantly._

_We greeted one another and I could tell he definitely had more to say, but I was glad we were called in for dinner just then. We were led back to the kitchen where I was directed to my temporary place at the table. Mrs. Jang led us in a prayer before we were all seated and serving ourselves. Conversation was comfortably light for a while, just questions on how long we've been dating and about my family._

_That is, until his sisters took control of the conversation._

_"Do you guys have sex?"_

_Dongwoo stood up immediately, so incredibly embarrassed that he was ready to leave the kitchen, but I grabbed his wrist, laughing at the silliness that is this family. I tugged him back to sit down, and he didn't resist until his mother spoke back up._

_"Of course they do, look at them! You can't keep two attractive young men off of each o-"_

_"I don't want to hear it!" his other sister complained, covering her ears with his hands._

_I pulled his hand harder until he plopped back into his chair and buried his face into his hands. I was still laughing as I rubbed his back sympathetically, fully understanding how family is able to annoy you so greatly, but I wasn't feeling as awkward as he was right now. "Don't be embarrassed, Woo," I leaned down to whisper in his ear as he hid from the world._

_Unfortunately, the rest of the night passed in much the same manner, with Dongwoo's cheeks perpetually flared up in shades of pink and red while the rest of his family enjoyed themselves fully, drinking and laughing the night away._

_"Let me make dessert!" he now quite drunk mother insisted, standing and making her way back towards the stove. I almost refused, honestly fearing for her safety with a flame right now with as much alcohol as she and everyone else but Dongwoo and I had consumed, but I knew she would be safe with other people here to prevent anything from happening._

_We did have a wonderful time, and I was very pleased that Dongwoo's night had, in fact, exceeded his initial expectations and that my fears had turned out to be useless. It was already around 11 in the evening by the time we bid everyone farewell. I laughed at the drunken goodbyes and received many kisses on the cheek. Dongwoo, however, jealous at their affection, pulled me away and out of the house._

_"Shouldn't we check to make sure they all get to bed okay and don't pass out on the stairs?" I joked as we both made our way back to the car._

_"They'll be fine, trust me," he insisted. "They do this all the time." The two of us got in and Dongwoo started the engine. Before he pulled away, though, he leaned over the center console to kiss me again. "Thank you Howon, I had a really good time tonight."_

_"I'm glad, baby, so did I. You shouldn't be thanking me, though."_

_He grinned and sat back in his own seat, fastening his seatbelt while I did the same. "I'm just happy, Hoaegi. I'm happy that they like you and you like them, even after all of those..._ questions. _"_

_I smiled back as we pulled out of the driveway and made our way back to our own dorm. Only Sunggyu was still awake when we arrived. It wasn't often we got weekends off, so the others were taking the extra sleep time to their advantage; Sunggyu was only awake to make sure we got home okay._

_"Hyung, we're home," Dongwoo greeted quietly so as not to wake the others in the dorm._

_"Ah, did you two have fun?" he asked as we hung our jackets up and took our shoes off._

_"Yes, so much," Dongwoo gushed. Sunggyu turned off the television now that he could finally go to bed. "I'm glad, everything went well then?" the leader asked, to which I nodded, smiling sheepishly as I knew he was referring to how he had been attempting to calm my nerves down just yesterday._

_"Good, I'm going to get to bed. Sleep well, guys. Oh, and don't forget to turn off your alarms so you don't wake up in the morning," he said with a grin as he turned to go to his bedroom._

_I pulled Dongwoo towards our own room, where clothes were quickly discarded. Fading sighs, whispered love confessions, and the sound of slow movements of skin on skin were all that was heard in the room late into the night._

* * *

_I awoke to a pitch black room. I was surprised to not feel Dongwoo beside me, since there wasn't any sunlight coming into the room. It wasn't morning yet, so I assumed he was taking a short trip to the bathroom. I closed my eyes again and waited a few minutes for him to return, but when I heard and felt nothing, I began to get a bit concerned._

_I sat up slowly and grabbed my cellphone groggily, checking the time to see it was a bit past 5 in the morning. I sighed, still trying to wake myself up, and flicked on the lamp on my bedside table. Once my eyes became accustomed to the light, I glanced over at Dongwoo's side of the bed and beyond. His clothes were no longer on the ground, and his phone wasn't on his side table either. I crawled out of bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top before leaving the room to search for him._

_The hall was silent, and so was the rest of the dorm. I didn't hear any creaking floor tiles of someone up walking around at this hour, and the TV wasn't on. After making my way through the whole dorm, I was more than worried that I couldn't find him anywhere. It was a possibility that he was in one of the others' rooms, though, since I hadn't checked in any of their bedrooms._

_I came to Sunggyu's single bedroom first, and I pried open the door as quietly as I could to avoid any creaking noises it may make. I peaked my head in and immediately heard the leader stirring in bed. "Who's there?" he mumbled sleepily, sounding as if he wasn't fully awake yet._

_"Sorry hyung," I apologized sincerely. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I was just looking for Dongwoo." A thought dawned on me then- he was the leader, if Dongwoo had to leave suddenly, he'd probably tell him so he could be on top of things. "You haven't seen him, have you? Did he tell you he was going anywhere?"_

_I was probably speaking a bit too fast for his sleep-riddled mind to keep up, but after a few moments of his processing my concerns, he sat up. "No, he didn't tell me anything. Is he not at the dorm?"_

_I bit my lip and shook my head, opening his door a bit further so I could enter while he turned on the lamp by his bed. If I weren't so worried right now, I probably would have laughed at his bedraggled appearance. He had hair sticking up everywhere, his shirt was wrinkled, and his lips were in a loose pout as his eyes squinted even further. "Did you call him?" he asked._

_"No, I was searching the dorm first. I'll go call now." I left his bedroom and made my way back to my own where I'd left my cellphone. I dialed his number and as it was ringing, Sunggyu had made his way to my room and was leaning against the doorframe now, watching me as I sat on the edge of the bed with his arms crossed and eyebrows knit in concern._

_I was honestly a bit surprised that Dongwoo did answer my call. "Howon," he answered in an exhausted voice._

_"Dongwoo-ah, where are you? Are you okay?" I didn't want to sound overbearing, but my concern outweighed almost every other rational thought at the moment. All I could do was speculate and hope that he was okay._

_"I'm... I'm at the hospital..." he responded. My eyes went wide and Sunggyu took a step closer at my reaction, still confused at the situation._

_"What? Why? Are you okay? You should have woken me up," I insisted before stopping myself there so I didn't overwhelm him to the point that he couldn't respond because I threw too much at him at once._

_"I- I got a call," he whispered. "It was around 3, they told me-" he cut himself off to take a deep breath. And then another. And another._

_When it became apparent that he wasn't capable of conversing properly, I took it as my cue to speak back up. "I'm going to come, okay? You stay there and I'll be there in no time... Is that okay?"_

_"Yes," was the only response I got, and my heart dropped. Something was seriously wrong. "I love you baby, wait for me. I'll be with you before you know it." I hung up then, getting to my feet immediately. "I've got to go," I told him. "He said he got a call to go to the hospital, I need to go meet him."_

_"What?" Sunggyu questioned incredulously as I passed him on my way to the front door. "Let me come; I'll drive," he insisted, grabbing his car keys and throwing on his shoes to keep up with me, and the two of us left together. I was thankful for his company and his offer to drive, I was far too frantic to do much of anything right now._

_"What happened?" he questioned halfway through the tense, silent drive._

_"I- I don't know, he couldn't say. He sounded upset."_

_"Was he crying?" the leader asked sympathetically, expecting that to be the case. I would have expected that, too, but he wasn't. "No.. No, he just sounded off," I replied dryly._

_He nodded his head grimly and we rode in silence the rest of the way. When he was pulling into the parking lot, he spoke up again. "You should call him back so we know where to meet him," he advised._

_I nodded, obeying his request. Everything was honestly a blur for me at that point. I remember receiving a tentative location from Dongwoo and informing Sunggyu since I hadn't any idea of how to get there. Apparently, he didn't either, and he asked a nurse at the front desk where we entered and she pointed us in the right direction. It was all confusing and moving so quickly.. until I saw Dongwoo at the opposite end of the long hallway that Sunggyu and I had arrived at._

_"Dongwoo-ah," the leader called, breaking into a jog to cover the distance as the rapper met his gaze and I trailed right behind Sunggyu. Dongwoo was running right back at us, and he didn't even slow down as he threw himself into the leader's arms._

_"What happened, Woo?" the eldest asked as I came around behind Dongwoo and pressed my entire front to his back, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist so he could feel both of us. I rested my hands on his stomach, and Dongwoo had one of his hands on mine and the other holding onto the front of Sunggyu's shirt as he absorbed the comfort coming from both of us into his trembling body._

_He took several shaky breaths before shaking his head, signalling that he wasn't ready to talk. Sunggyu and I shared a brief look over the shorter man's shoulder before we both moved to hold him tighter._

_We shushed him soothingly and breathed deeply with him, my entire being wanting nothing more than for Dongwoo to be okay after whatever had just happened. It couldn't have been any less than an hour when Sunggyu moved to pull away, tired of standing so still on his feet for this long. Dongwoo, though, wasn't ready for that and his grips on both of us tightened tremendously. "No, please," he begged in a strained whisper, still needing the physical contact._

_Sunggyu nodded and pulled Dongwoo gently towards the empty attatched waiting room where he sat him down on an uncomfortable looking sofa. It was just big enough for two, so I sat beside him while Sunggyu knelt in front. Dongwoo leaned over onto me, and I turned my upper body slightly so I could hold him in a more comfortable way while Sunggyu held onto both of his hands in his lap._

_"My family.. My- my whole family," he mumbled under his breath, his voice and his body still shaking uncontrollably._

_"What happened to them, baby?" I pushed a bit. He pulled his legs up so his knees were by his chest and wrapped his arms around them with his hands resting by his feet- still holding onto the leader's hands. His head lulled defeatedly against my collarbone as his tense muscles all relaxed quite suddenly._

_"There was- it was.. Fire, there was a fire," was all that he could utter, clearly still in somewhat of a shock. "My whole family, Howon, all of them- they couldn't- it was.. so big.. theyr'e all-" he cut himslf off with a great exhale and didn't start speaking again._

_My eyes widened. Was his whole family in the hospital? Was it a house fire? I didn't push any further, though, not knowing how he would possibly react to me pressuring him to speak before he was ready to do so. Instead, I shushed him again and smoothed his hair down. I bit my lip when Dongwoo's trembling intensified, and Sunggyu began singing softly. It seemed to calm him down enough, and within mere minutes, he was asleep against my chest._

_My eyes were still open wide, unable to belive such a turn of events. What had been a near perfect night had turned out to be a disaster, and I still didn't know what had even happened. If his family members were admitted to the hospital, why was he standing alone in the empty hall instead of being with them? None of this added up, and my worries were flying through my head at a mile a minute._

_"What's going on?" Sunggyu whispered, sounding just as distressed as I was feeling. I shook my head. I didn't know. My breathing was speeding up in my panic- I'd never seen Dongwoo like this before. I'd seen him cry when he was sad, but now, it seemed as if he was_ too upset to even cry _, and that's what disturbed me the most about this. He couldn't articulate much of anything, and being out of the loop was driving me crazy. I didn't know how to help if I didn't know what I was helping with._

_Sunggyu sighed and sat down off of his knees, now cross-legged on the floor with his hands still holding loosely onto Dongwoo's. We remained sitting there in silence for some time more until a nurse walked by. She glanced into the waiting room on her way by, and did a double take when she saw us._

_She stepped into the room cautiously. "If you want, you can take him home whenever he's ready. Tell him when he wakes up that we've handled the rest of it."_

_Sunggyu and I nodded our heads. "Ah, would it be alright if we left through the back doors? Fans, you know..." the leader trailed off. It was now a regular hour of the morning, and we may be spotted. The nurse agreed, feeling sorry for us idols, and then she turned to leave with a sad, sympathetic glance to the sleeping Dongwoo. I was tempted to ask her what was going on, but felt that would be disrespectful to Dongwoo. I felt that I should handle this with him rather than with some random nurse. Sunggyu seemed to have the same thought as he stood up then._

_"Should we go?" he asked, just as his phone started ringing. He held up a finger to show he needed a moment as he stepped a few feet away to answer the call. "Hello?"_

_I listened to him speaking since there was nothing else to do right now and I appreciated a short break of my insane concern for the man in my arms._

_"Ah, yes, everything's fine, Yeol-ah. We were just about to head home... Yeah, don't worry about it, we'll fill you in later... Okay, bye. See you soon." He hung up and shoved the phone back into the front pocket of his pajama pants. "Okay, we should go back. It's already almost 7:30. Sungyeol and Sungjong are already awake."_

_I nodded._

_"I'll go get the car and bring it around the back, alright? You just wait there for me, okay?" he confirmed, and I just nodded again. He came over with a sigh and lifted Dongwoo carefully off of me until I stood up and took him back into my arms. I shifted him around as gently as possible so I wouldn't wake him up before making my way in the opposite direction of Sunggyu to wait by the secluded, back entrance to the hospital._

_It didn't take too long for Sunggyu to arrive, and when he did, I laid Dongwoo in the back seat and climbed back there as well, situating his head on my lap. As the leader began to drive again, I sighed deeply, looking out at the morning light filling the city with an ironically cheery feel._

_"Thank you for coming with me, hyung," I spoke to Sunggyu sincerely. I wouldn't have been able to handle this without his help. I would probably be too upset to drive home right now, and I wouldn't even want to not be holding Dongwoo even just for the time the drive took._

_"It's no problem Howon, I'm always here for my brothers."_

_He was, too. He was such a supportive leader and I was so thankful to have him in charge of us. Even just last night he'd sacrificed his own sleep to make sure we made it home alright, and early this morning, he got out of bed when he was worried about Dongwoo without a single complaint spoken the entire time. I spent the rest of the ride watching Dongwoo's face instead of making myself upset by looking at all the happy people walking around the sidewalks._

_I brushed my fingers through his hair softly, but he must have been so tired to have fallen asleep so quickly that I didn't think I'd wake him up with gentle touches. I watched over his facial features as they remained tensed even in his sleep. His eyes were closed a bit too tightly and with a slight touch to his cheek, I could tell his jaw was clenched._

_I don't know how many times I'd sighed since I woke up, but it was probably more than every other time I'd sighed in my life combined. When we arrived back at the dorm, I carried Dongwoo inside with Sunggyu's help getting him out of the car. I let the leader lead the way so he could open the door for me._

_As soon as we stepped into the front hall, I heard sounds of laughter and the banging of pots and pans. We walked further inside and saw the other guys already up and covered in flour and random other cooking ingredients, all sporting wide smiles._

_"What_ happened _?" Sunggyu questioned, sounding exhausted and unimpressed with what he returned home to._

_"We were going to make you guys breakfast," Sungyeol said with a pout as he held onto a wooden spoon with both hands._

_"All four of you? In a kitchen? At the same time? Dear god," the leader said exhasperatedly, turning to leave the room again with Sungyeol's voice spoke out again, sounding concerned this time._

_"What's wrong with hyung?" he asked, looking at the sleeping man in my arms._

_I shook my head. "Nothing. He's tired. I'm going to let him sleep, so try to keep it down," I said monotonously, leaving the room right after I'd finished speaking, seeing as I really wasn't in the mood for a conversation right now. I returned Dongwoo to his place on our bed, pulling the blanket up around him. I turned off the lights in the room and closed the curtains to the window so the mid-morning sunlight wouldn't wake him up._

_I briefly considered leaving to go back out and help the others clean the kitchen back up, but I honestly just had no energy to deal with anything else right now. Besides, I'm not so sure my anxiety would allow me to be away from my boyfriend right now. Even though he was asleep, I knew very well that he needed me and he needed me badly. I climbed into bed with him, crawling under the blankets for myself before I pulled his back into my chest and tried to calm my heart rate by being able to breathe his scent and listening to his own steady breaths._

* * *

_His family was killed in a house fire in the middle of the night after we had left them. Something was left on in the kitchen and started a flame that spread quickly and silently, not waking the family sleeping off their drunken night. Dongwoo's mother, his father, his sisters and his grandmother... All of the family he had- none were saved from the blaze._

_I found this out the morning after we took Dongwoo home from the hospital- he'd slept through the whole day and had woken very early the next morning. Before he'd even said anything else, I knew he was already blaming himself. I was right, of course. He was devastated not only that his only living relatives were taken from him in one night, but also because he put himself at fault._

_I tried to assure him that he couldn't have possibly thought to go turn off the stove before we left, but he still felt that terrible. His reasoning was that he was one of the only sober people there, so he should have taken initiative to ensure his own family's safety. I tried pointing out that I was the other sober one, but he still wouldn't blame me along with himself no matter what I said. It's not that I wanted him to be angry with me, but I needed him to see how ridiculous those thoughts were._

_We had a concert in Seoul the next weekend, and even though all of us tried to convince him to sit it out, he insisted he still perform. News had gotten out to the public a couple days after the accident, so he thought he needed to show the fans not to worry._

_Unfortunately, this only caused a barrage of hate coming Dongwoo's way. It got to the point that Sunggyu had to block any fan sites or anti-fan sites on all of our computers so he wouldn't see them, and Woohyun and Myungsoo always went through the mail first to make sure nothing made its way through._

_Trying to appear strong, however, was entirely respectable in my eyes, and if anything, I was so proud of my boyfriend for being so brave. Many of our fans, however, called him insensitive, calling him out for obviously having not loved his family if he was over it already in a week. Of course he_ wasn't  _over it, but he was good enough of an actor to try to fool the fans into thinking he was okay. The concert ended early when Dongwoo burst into tears right there on stage, unable to bear the hostile chants coming his way._

_There were a lot of people who were horrified at the actions of their fellow Inspirits, and tried their best to shout their support, but the spiteful comments were too loud, too prevalent. I had ushered him off the stage while Sunggyu tried to placate the screaming crowd. Eventually, the staff closed down the concert and our manager ordered (rather than suggested) that Dongwoo take a break._

_The reactions he got from that concert were too much for him to handle, and he closed off almost completely. He spent most of his days in our bedroom with the curtains drawn closed to block out any traces of the joyful sun._

_It killed me to see him like this, and I honestly wanted to send everyone who spoke or posted even a single rude comment towards my Dongwoo to jail, but it's not like they did anything illegal- at least in the eyes of the law. To me, kicking someone while they're down should always be considered a crime, but maybe that's just my overprotectiveness speaking._

_What made everything worse was that Dongwoo still had to plan a funeral. He was the only living family member left of the Jangs, so it was now his responsibility to handle burials, funeral details, and everything else involved in this. I accompanied him to every meeting he had at the morgue and at the prospective funeral homes, but nothing could keep him from being so stressed out._

_Oftentimes, I would find him awake in the middle of the night as he sat at the desk in the living room, trying to complete paperwork. The desk had become a mess of documents, forms, waivers... The clutter probably wasn't helping his stress levels, but I couldn't do much but come out to keep him company until he fell asleep on the desktop, and then carry him back to bed._

_It affected everyone in the group. We still had schedules to attend to, so I couldn't dedicate my time to him fully. With the next few months, he no longer had that added stress of funeral arrangements, and the media had moved on to more recent issues of shallow 'Who Wore It Better' compilations and new drama promotions. At least it allowed Dongwoo a temporary reprieve from the outside factors. All he was left with was his inner emotions._

_But that wasn't much better either._

* * *

We start simple

**Rule #1: Hug him.**

Maybe that doesn't seem like a lot, considering how many times I'd hugged him this past year with hardly any significant change to his mood. But it did make situations lighter, and sometimes, a sincere hug with no expectations of anything further could give someone a nice lift.

"Dongwoo, baby," I called to the man who was drinking some water during our break from dance practice. He hadn't been doing too well today in performance; he seemed more tense than usual, and he was getting so easily frustrated.

"Hmm?" he replied, not looking at me, focusing instead on the cold water. 

I said nothing in response, choosing to make my way across the room to pull his sweaty body into mine. He pulled the bottle away from his lips and his arms were held up as if he were in surrender while my face was buried in his chest and my arms were tight around his waist.

"Mmm, what are you doing?" he whined, not hugging me back but instead capping off his bottle of water and throwing it to his bag against the wall.

"Hugging you," I answered, my voice muffled in his damp shirt.

"Get off, I'm all sweaty and I smell bad," he complained further, trying to pry himself away from me. I'd gotten this reaction from him before, but I wasn't going to relent this time. I shook my head and pulled him even closer, if that was possible. "Howon, stop," he tried again; his hands were on my shoulders in an attempt to detatch himself from my clingy hands.

"No," I said simply. "Hug me, Dongwoo-ah," I commanded in a cute voice. He sighed as his pushing hands became flat and rested against the front of my shoulders comfortably now. It wasn't a proper hug on his part, but I could feel the unspoken appreciation in his touch.

We stayed that way for several minutes until our break was over. It was uncomfortably hot after having been working out, but he didn't complain any more, so neither did I. I felt his heart beat relax slowly as time went on in the embrace, and neither of us cared about how badly one another smelled, knowing we were in the same boat ourselves.

"I love you, baby, and I want you to know that," I whispered eventually.

He released a breath he seemed to have been holding. "I love you too, Hoaegi."

I smiled. He hadn't called me by any term of endearment for the longest time, and I almost forgot about that adorable nickname he had for me. I squeezed him slightly before pulling away when Sunggyu called everyone to reconvene. Practice was a bit better after that. Not significantly, but enough that everyone noticed a change, even if they didn't know what exactly caused that change. I could tell, though, in the way that there was occassionally a soft smile gracing Dongwoo's lips as he danced.

\---

"Dongwoo-ah, it's late, will you come to bed with me?"

It was one of those unresponsive moments. He hadn't spoken for most of the day, and he was constantly lost in his thoughts. He nodded his head and followed me submissively to our bedroom. Already dressed in pajamas, it was easy to just crawl right into the bed. I pulled him into me and cuddled him close even though he seemed hardly aware of anything that was going on around him.

I rubbed his side softly, trying to bring him back to the present.

"Howon, stop, I don't want to do anything," he mumbled.

"I'm not trying to do anything," I insisted. I gave him a kiss on his neck and exhaled as I got more comfortable against him. 

"Seriously, I'm not in the mood," he chastised, trying to pull himself from my arms. "I want to go sleep in the living room-"

"No stay, I'm just hugging," I promised. "No more kissing. Just cuddles."

He sighed but nodded his head, allowing his body to relax against me again. I refused to allow myself to fall asleep first in case something happened once I was unconscious. I thought he was already asleep after quite a while and I began to settle down and close my eyes, but I felt a touch that was hardly there just before slipping into my dreams. His hand had snaked its way across my stomach to hold loosely onto my hip. I smiled slightly but was too close to sleep to do anything about it.

**Rule #2: Help him keep clutter at bay.**

"Babe, you should be getting some sleep. What are you still doing up?" I said as I approached him from behind, seeing him at the very same desk he used way back when he was stressing over funeral arrangements. My heart started beating faster, fearing the same breakdowns he had then, when it would all become too much and he would snap, crying late into the night from sheer tension.

Now, though, he only held his face in his hands as he stared through his fingers at the papers placed between his elbows on the hard wood. A pencil was in place somewhere amidst the mess.

"I'm trying to finish this, I'll go to bed soon," he replied in a strained voice without turning back. It was late and dark, the only light being that of a small table lamp lighting his papers.

"What is it?" I asked quietly as I sat myself on the armrest of the office chair on which he sat, slouched over himself a bit in exhaustion and strain.

"I'm just trying to write the rap for the song," he mumbled, rubbing his face in his hands. "I can't do it, Howon, I don't know what I'm doing. This is all shit," he exlaimed angrily, shoving all the papers off of the desk, sending them flying through the room, being blown about a bit from the ceiling fan.

"Hey now," I chastised lightly, reaching over to massage his shoulders and his back softly. "Don't give up on this. I can help you with it tomorrow, but you're not going to get anything done when you're this tired. You need to get to sleep."

He tried to protest, but I was having none of it. "Go to our room, Woo, and I'll be there in a minute with some hot tea, does that sound good?"

He wanted to deny my orders again, but with a stern but gentle look, he gave in. And that's one sign that I knew he wasn't right in the head; he would have never allowed me to just do things for him without offering his help or flat-out refusing that I go out of my way for him. But now, he nodded his head defeatedly, knowing that all he really did want was some tea and a good night's sleep.

I helped him up and sent him away to the room while I started some water for his drink. While it was being heated, I made my way back to the living room. I picked up each piece of notebook paper one at a time, reading his scribbled handwriting covering them. It wasn't necessarily 'shit' but it surely wasn't good. I knew that we'd be able to think of something later though, if we worked together. I stacked them in a neat pile and left it in the middle of the desk with his abandoned pencil lying right on top to hold them down so the fan didn't blow them away. I straightened out everything else on the desk to stall until his water was heated. I prepared his tea and brought it with me in a cute mug back to our bedroom to see Dongwoo laying awake in bed above the blankets. 

"Hey baby, have some of this. It will help you sleep."

**Rule #3: Fix him a healthy meal.**

He hadn't been eating properly, alternating between eating whatever was easiest to eating nothing at all, and it wasn't good for his health. He was struggling in his performance at rehearsals and he's lost weight. He only works out when the company tells him to in order to keep up his image, but it's not like he's getting any shirtless exposure since his ribs are clearly visible.

"We're home!" Sungyeol called out. He, Sungjong, Myungsoo, and Dongwoo had their scedules while I had recruited Woohyun's help for the  _entire_  afternoon to help me in the kitchen. He was pleased with my idea and we'd spent hours fixing Dongwoo's favourite meal for him. Really, as long as he was getting  _something_  in him (besides the occassional lazy snack), it would be fine. But if we were putting forth the effort to make him something to eat, it might as well be something he loves, right?

"Welcome home!" Woohyun called from the kitchen. He wiped off the counter one last time before giving me an encouraging grin and leaving the room. When the four passed the kitchen on their way through the dorm, I called Dongwoo in.

"Yes?" he said, sounding like he wanted nothing more than to go straight to bed, regardless of how early it was. He looked as worn out as was usual nowadays, and I was sick of seeing this. I couldn't sit by any longer as he wore himself down more and more until there were hardly any traces of his old self left.

"I made dinner... Would you eat with me?" I suggested, already knowing he was going to try to avoid it.

He sighed, predictably. "Howon, I'm really just not hungry right now."

I grimaced, but I wasn't surprised. "At least taste it? I spent the whole afternoon working on your favourite..." I tried to appeal to him in a way that would make him feel guilty to refuse. I don't know if that was the best method, but there honestly wasn't anything else I hadn't already tried in the past.

He nodded, putting his bag down by the table and sitting heavily in a chair.

"How's the rap working?" I asked as I served his plate with a very small portion. We'd finished writing it a while back and he was in the studio working with it today.

"Fine," was his short response, not seeming up for any conversation. I frowned, missing the days when he would come home from a schedule and tell me about every single little thing that happened that day even if they were entirely insignificant.

He waited politely for me, though, to serve myself too as I sat across from him at the table. He wasn't doing anything without me telling him it was okay, so I decided to start first to show him that he could eat now.

He picked at a piece of beef lazily with his chopsticks before picking it up to try. "Thanks, Howon," he said once he'd swallowed. "I'm sorry you had to spend all afternoon on your day off doing this, but I really appreciate it," he informed me sincerely.

My heart swelled, not caring in the least that I'd used my whole free day slaving over a hot stove with many failed attempts at making the perfect meal for my boyfriend. I didn't care how much work it took, because hearing his expressions of thanks were more than enough, and being able to see the appreciation in his eyes was breathtaking. I knew if I didn't do this, he would've just gone straight to bed without dinner again.

"We need to get some more meat on your bones, eat up," I encouraged, and he eventually finished what little I'd given him. "Do you want more?" I offered, knowing that if he did, he wouldn't have just gotten it himself. I'd been watching him closely, and he's really not happy with himself. From previous conversations we've had at his lowest points, I discovered that he doesn't feel he's worth anything. He doesn't think that he deserves such luxuries as a caring boyfriend, homecooked meals, proper attention, or any sort of kindness shown to him at all.

"No, I am done," he insisted. I didn't know if he was telling the truth or not, but I let it slide, knowing we'd made a big enough step already today. Besides, with how little he's been eating, he may actually just be full already.

**Rule #4: Encourage him to focus on self-care.**

"Okay, I'll do the dishes, why don't you go take a hot shower or something?" I prompted as I picked up our two plates.

He nodded. That was something else he wouldn't have allowed himself previously. He didn't deserve to be well-kept, and it was all such a chore anyway- in _his_ mind. 

When he left, I cleaned up our dinner mess and left the rest of the untouched food out so the other members could pick off of it when they got hungry. I cleaned the kitchen extra well and then went to wait for him in the bedroom. My timing was great, and he was coming to join me where I sat on the edge of the bed in no time, his hair wet and wearing clean pants for sleeping and a t-shirt.

He yawned as he sat. "It's so early but I'm so tired," he whined, leaning his head over onto my shoulder. 

I stroked his hair softly, feeling how long it had really gotten now that it was wet. "You need a haircut," I mused quietly to myself.

He snorted humourlessly. "Yeah, I'm a mess, aren't I?" he commented as he pulled himself up from the bed. I frowned. That's not what I had meant at all. "What are you talking about?" I questioned. "How are you a mess?"

"I probably smelled like shit, sorry for making you eat dinner around me. My hair is too long and too messy all the time, I don't even think I've been to a dentist in a really long time.." he trailed off, obviously having a hundred more examples of ways that he wasn't taking care of himself. 

"You were out practicing, we all smell bad after that. And who cares about hair? It doesn't look bad at all. Besides, your teeth are fine, you don't need to see a dentist right now," I countered his arguments.

"Who's going to love a grown man who can't even know when he should take a fucking shower-"

"Hey," I interjected firmly, standing up now. I didn't like what I just heard. "Who's going to love that grown man?  _I_ am, that's who. I'm going to love that man because he's doing the best he can. I can see that he's trying his very hardest. _I'm_ going to love him." I wanted to drive that point home, because this wasn't the first time he's questioned why I stay with him.

His face showed no emotions, but he responded with an "okay."

"Can you... stay with me for now? I want to go to sleep and-" he cut himself off, but I knew where he was going. He only really gets a good night's sleep if we're together. I was very pleased, though, that he was asking for what he wanted now. That's something he wouldn't have done a few weeks ago. Maybe this list was working, just a bit.

**Rule #5: Get him outside.**

This was definitely the last thing Dongwoo wanted to do. All day, every day, it was rehearsal, extra practice, working on new raps for new songs, or sitting in our dark bedroom doing absolutely nothing but thinking as he stared at the boring beige walls.

\---

"Dongwoo, let's go to the park today," 

"No thanks."

\---

"Dongwoo, do you want to go for a walk with me?"

"I'm tired."

\---

"Dongwoo, we should go to the beach this weekend!"

"I don't really want to."

\---

"Hey Howon, can we go fly a kite...?"

To say I was shocked was a  _vast_ understatement. "Yes!" I said almost too enthusiastically. I put aside what I had just been working on- it could definitely wait. Flying a kite? When was the last time Dongwoo wanted to fly a kite? When he was 8? I don't know, but the childlike offer was reminding me of how he was before the accident. 

"Okay. But I don't have a kite," he replied.

"We'll go buy one," I assured him. This was the first time in over a year that he'd asked me to do something at least a little active out in the bright sun, so I was willing to do everything to make it happen. I'd even make one myself if I needed to. Of course, as soon as we'd stepped out of the store-

"Oppas!" came the high-pitched squeals we were all too used to by now. I smiled and waved at a small cluster of three teenage girls huddled together. Dongwoo, a bit uncomfortable with the encounter, looked down with a shy smile. I was afraid that all the fans would frighten him right back to the dorm.

I nodded politely while they rushed forth with pens and random things for us to sign in hand. I've signed a lot of weird possessions though, so I was pretty much used to it by now. They held them out to Dongwoo next, and he stepped out from hiding behind me to sign his name right below mine. He was hesitant in his actions, still not comfortable around Inspirits after the hostility he used to receive from them. Those who were being cruel to him, though, were called out by our true fans and Dongwoo hadn't gotten a single rude comment in quite a while now. The fans were now nothing but thoughtful and understanding towards our main rapper, and I was thankful for that. 

It seemed they were aware of how much he wanted to be left alone then, so they thanked us and left immediately afterwards. I smiled down at Dongwoo, hoping he would still be up to going to fly the kite. "Do you still want to-"

"Yes."

**Rule #6: Laugh with him.**

"That's not funny!" I heard Sungjong yelling angrily as he stormed through the dorm with whipped cream on his face, leaving a cackling Sunyeol in his wake. Woohyun and I were cracking up as we watched the maknae slam the door to the bathroom behind him. 

The poor kid had just been taking a nap when Sungyeol decided to pull another one of his infamous pranks. Usually, he knew not to mess with Sungjong, who _lived_ for revenge, but it seems he'd forgotten the lesson he learned the last time.

"Sungyeol-ah, quit being mean. He was just trying to sleep," Dongwoo chastised the younger, making him frown. Woohyun and I gradually stopped laughing. We all knew to be on our toes about Dongwoo's moods and we did our very best not to upset him.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "It wasn't to be mean."

\---

"SUNGJONG!"

The yelling rang through my ears while I was sitting on the couch with Dongwoo. We heard a door slamming shut before a wide-eyed Sungyeol with freshly washed and dried hair stomped out into the living room. "Where's Sungjong?" he demanded.

Immediately, my eyes bulged out of their sockets, and I knew Dongwoo's were doing the same. There was a livid Sungyeol standing before us- with bright magenta hair.

I fought to keep my laughter under control in case Dongwoo was angry at Sungjong's revenge, but he wasn't yelling. He wasn't laughing either, but at least he didn't seem angry- just surprised.

"How-" I choked out, and Sungyeol understood right away.

"His shampoo! That  _fucking_ shampoo of his!" he yelled back, veins about ready to pop out of his neck with how tensely he was wound up right now. "Where is that stupid asshole?" he demanded once again.

"He just went out... I guess now I know why," I answered, accidentally letting out a short, staccato laugh. Sungjong hated how everyone always used his shampoo (but honestly, why wouldn't we? His hair was so soft.. You can't blame an idol for wanting hair that perfectly smooth...), and it seems he took that to his advantage now, knowing Sungyeol was usually the only one of us who liked to take his showers in the middle of the day as opposed to the morning or evening.

Wait a second... "Is the shower running right now...?" I questioned, hearing the faint sound of water running through the pipes. 

Sungyeol's eyes widened even further as he snapped his head back around. "Oh my god. Sunggyu-hyung was going to take one while I was going to dry my hair..."

All three of us ran towards the bathroom when we heard the shower being shut off and the curtain being pulled aside. Dongwoo followed behind me while Sungyeol led us. He flung open the door just as Sunggyu was tying the towel around his waist.

"What the _hell_!!" he exlaimed, backing up against the wall at the intrusion, feeling too exposed all of a sudden. His tone changed then when he repeated his previous exlamation, now referring to Sungyeol's new hair colour. " _What_ the hell?"

"Aw... You used his shampoo too, didn't you?" Sungyeol sympathized. 

His hair was still dark from the water, but we could still tell that it was very soon to be the very same colour as Sungyeol's. Suddenly, Sungyeol and I turned at hearing one of the most joyous sounds we'd ever been witness too. Standing right behind us was Dongwoo, laughing his ass off at this whole situation. 

I was relieved that I no longer had to hold back the bursts of laughter that had been trying to escape me, but I was even more relieved at hearing that sound again. My grin widened, and even Sungyeol and Sunggyu had to laugh too, despite their predicament.

**Rule #7: Ask him to help me understand what he's feeling.**

It was a late night schedule that I had alone. I assumed all of the others were probably in bed already, and I hated that I wasn't able to hold Dongwoo when he was falling asleep. He didn't sleep well when I wasn't home or when he banished himself to the sofa. But the unfortunate truth is that we still have to work, and sometimes that work can interfere with what makes us comfortable and happy.

I didn't want to sound clingy, but I didn't like being away from him at night. More than once, he'd woken up from nightmares, panicking and demanding to see all the members so he knew they were all alive and safe. He'd awaken with a gasp and start crying as soon as he saw me, but then it quickly turned into 'the others- where are the others?' as he frantically removed himself from me and the bed. I'd take him around to each bedroom, opening and closing the doors silently to show him the sleeping bodies one at a time without waking them.

Sometimes, someone would wake up despite my mindfulness, and I would ask them to help me calm him down so he could get back to sleep. I never truly knew how he felt when he had those moments, though, other than the fear of everyone around him dying. I had prompted him several times to tell me why he gets so scared, but he just took it offensively, thinking I was getting annoyed with his behaviour, so I stopped asking.

My phone rang, and before this whole incident, I never would have considered answering a call during practice. But I'd stopped turning my phone on silent since that night that still seemed so recent in case it was Dongwoo or something concerning him. My vocal coaches and choreographers understood my reasons for doing so, for which I was grateful. The company had been very good and lenient with Dongwoo, which definitely took some stress off of his already over-burdened shoulders.

"Hello?" I answered. It was Sunggyu-hyung calling.

"Howon?" he sighed. "When are you getting out?"

I looked at a clock. It was close to midnight, but I wasn't even close to being finished working yet. "I can come now. I'm pretty much done," I lied. "Is everything okay?" I asked, already knowing that this was something to do with my boyfriend.

I heard him breathing on the other end of the line, pondering his response to that. "He's getting nightmares again," was all that he said. And that was all he needed to say. I excused myself from practice, briefly stopping by our manager's office on the way out to inform him that I had to leave.

By the time that I did arrive back to the dorm, I saw a congregation of sorts in the hallway that our bedrooms were off of. As soon as the door closed behind me, I saw Dongwoo standing from the middle of the circle on the ground and running toward me. "Howon!" he cried out, throwing himself into my already open arms.

I could feel him trembling against me as he buried his teary face in my shirt. I looked over his shoulder to see Sunggyu sending me a look. I nodded, assuring him that I had this handled and that he and the others could go back to bed.

This had never happened before when I wasn't right there beside him when he awoke from his nightmare, so he must be traumatized right now. Dongwoo's hands were clenched tightly in the fabric over my back as his body shook with fear and sobs. I rubbed his back as the group dispersed back to their own bedrooms. As soon as the last door was closed and the hallway was relatively quiet again, I led Dongwoo with me awkwardly to our room. He didn't want to let go of me and I didn't want to let go of him, so it was more just shuffling across the hard floor until our own door was closed behind us.

I leaned back against the wood and held Dongwoo close to my chest for quite a while until he pulled himself together enough to stop the sobs. It had been a while since I'd seen him cry this badly, and I was worried. When he returned to a level of somewhat 'normal' crying, I took him over to the bed and sat him down up by the pillows. He pulled up his legs and looked down at his lap, wiping his nose with the back of his shirt sleeve. 

I sat in front of him on top of the blanket and pulling his chin up with my hand. "I'm here, Dongwoo. It's okay. I'm still here," I reassured him, knowing that he was probably freaking out when I hadn't been there, thinking that maybe I had died-

"Howon, I was so scared," he whimpered and the weakness and insecurity in his voice killed me.

"I'm sorry, baby, but it's all okay now, see?" I tried to convince him, but he still looked absolutely crestfallen. "What's wrong?" I pushed.

He shook his head. "It's nothing, Howon," he insisted, rubbing the still-falling tears from his cheeks with trembling fingers. I shook my own head right back at him though. "Just tell me," I urged, not knowing what to say if I didn't know what was hurting him.

"No, you wouldn't underst-"

"Then help me," I cut him off right there. No more of this 'you wouldn't understand' or 'I'm just being stupid.' "Help me to see this the way you do. Dongwoo, don't you see that I just want to help you? Please tell me what you're feeling, and be honest. It's just me here. There's no judgement, you know that."

I saw the resolve in his eyes fading as they filled with a new set of tears. "I'm so- pathetic," he exhaled heavily as the new tears came forth. I came up to sit beside him so I could hold him close, and he curled into me for comfort. "I am a grown fucking man having nightmares and crying in the middle of the night- god, this is just stupid!" he let out as if he'd been holding it in for far too long. "I'm always scared- I'm so scared, Howon, I only have you guys now, and I  _can't_ lose you, but I'm being so irrational and it's just so.. _pathetic_."

I listened intently to everything that he was saying, not interrupting even though I had so much I needed to say. I waited until he was finished, because I knew it was good for him to get this out first.

" _I'm_ so pathetic," he concluded in a weak voice.

"Dongwoo.. baby.." I tried to call to him firmly, but my own voice was sounding quite feeble as well after his confession. I couldn't believe that he saw himself as weak for being upset after what had happened- I had no idea he was feeling like this... "You're not pathetic. No, it's not stupid to have nightmares- Dongwoo, what happened was horrible," I said, my voice dropping lower, since this was a sensitive subject. "It was terrifying and after losing the people who are so close to you all at once and so suddenly is traumatizing. No one thinks that you're a weak person, baby, you've been so strong."

"I'm not strong!" he countered. "This is why I don't want to tell you, because you really  _don't_ understand! You can't! No one can!"

He tried to pull away from my arms, but I refused to let him go even as he started to pound on my chest with his fists in his temporary moment of anger. He was crying outwardly now, biting his lip as his only attempt at unsuccessfully holding his sobs back. Eventually, I held him so tightly that he just collapsed against me, giving up trying to fight my embrace and just cried loudly on my chest.

"You're right, Dongwoo, I don't understand," I whispered, and he let out a single sob at that, squeezing his teary eyes shut. "I need you to meet me halfway. Can you do that?"

He nodded.

**Rule #8: Reassure him that I can handle his feelings.**

It was weeks later that I realized how much this was truly necessary to add to my list. I didn't notice how much he held back from me, stuffing all of those awful emotions down to the bottom of his heart in attempts to bury it, but it wasn't helping anyone.  Maybe if I could draw out some of those deeper feelings, he could be less tense.

It was one of those days where nothing was going Dongwoo's way. Woke up late, tripped on the hard cement sidewalk on the way to the car and scraping up his hands and knees, voice cracking all over the place during recording, tripping over his own feet when dancing, spilling his water on the floor at lunch (and on himself at dinner), and now he was having trouble sleeping again. I knew he was, because he didn't want to sleep in bed with me tonight.

In the middle of the night, I came out to 'get a glass of water.' At least, that was the pretext I was under, but I really just wanted to check on Dongwoo to see if he was asleep yet, or if he was awake and hurting.

It was the latter, just as expected, so I brought the cold glass of water I'd just gotten to the living room where I sat by his feet on the couch. He was probably too deep in his thoughts to notice my presence until he felt the couch dip down with my weight. He sat up immediately, looking at me with shocked eyes.

"What are you doing up?" he asked concernedly. "It's past 1. You should be asleep."

I grinned. Even as upset and tired as he was, he was still worrying over others. "I could say the same for you," I mentioned, making him flop back down defeatedly onto the couch.

"You need to stop being a smart ass," he said lightheartedly.

I was glad he was joking with me right now. I missed this. "So what's keeping you up?" I asked as I handed him the water in an unspoken command to drink. He obeyed, downing the whole glass at once before putting it onto the coffee table and bringing his single, thin blanket up around himself. I laid my hand on his thigh as I waited for a response.

"Just thinking," was all that I got.

"About?"

"A lot of things."

"Tell me."

"It's too much-"

"I can take it," I insisted.

He sighed. "I'm only going to say this once, okay?" he said, sounding irritated. I knew he wasn't mad at me though, but at himself. He peeked at me and when I nodded my head, his lips set into a determined frown. He sat up slowly and we sat about a foot away from one another. He needed a bit of space right now, and I respected that.

"So I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about..  _it_. It's been so long and I'm still crying over it like some little kid. I'm.. I'm ashamed of myself for being unable to get over this already, I'm embarrassed because of how everyone probably sees me, I'm frustrated because I can't do anything right anymore, I'm angry for absolutely no goddamn reason, I just- fuck- I just feel like an absolute emotional  _wreck_ , Howon, and I can't stand living like this- I don't know what I'm doing! Hell, I don't even know what's going on anymore half the time. I miss  _me_ , Howon. I miss the old me so badly but I can't find it again. I do want to be happy, I promise I'm not just doing this for attention or anything, but I don't know  _how_. I'm so confused at why I can't just...  _be okay_ , you know? Like, it's been long enough. I don't have any logical reason to be sad anymore, so _why do I still feel like this_?"

He only looked up to me for that last question, and I stared right back into his eyes, meeting the desperate gaze he sent my way. It was as if he was silently begging me to make things okay again, and I'd be damned if I didn' t make that look in his eyes go away. "Can I?" I asked gently, reaching between us with an open hand. He didn't respond vocally, but he put his dry hand into mine obediently and sighed upon the contact.

"Thank you for trusting me with this, Dongwoo," I emphasized that with a gentle squeeze of his hand. "It was brave of you to open up like that. I won't let you down. We can work together, okay? I don't like seeing you sad all the time-"

"I'm not sad all the time," he interrupted. "I do have fun, it's just not as easy. And half the time, I don't even feel anything. Honestly, I'd  _prefer_  to be sad at those times. It's scary to just..  _not feel_... You know? ... No, you probably don't-"

"But that's okay that I don't. Dongwoo, I know that you're feeling alone. I know you are. I know that sometimes you need to be alone, so I try to give you space even though all I want is just to make you smile every single second of every day, but that's unrealistic of me to think. Nobody can be happy all the time. And even though we don't all have to deal with such difficult feelings and thoughts, we get sad too, sometimes. And I get sad a lot. So maybe it's not on the same scale, but you aren't as alone as you thought. Besides, there is no appropriate time period for grieving. I feel that I would be in the same position as you are, baby, and I don't consider myself to be weak in the same way that I don't think that you are. It's not like there's a set length of time for people to set aside for feeling bad after deaths and then when that time is up, they just make a 180 degree flip and move on with their lives happily. That doesn't happen."

He sighed. "You're right. I still feel like I'm just playing this up to be something that it's just...  _not_."

"No, you can feel however you want to feel and whenever you want to feel it. The important thing is that you know that you have people to support you forever. I haven't left, have I? What about Sunggyu-hyung or Woohyun or Myungsoo? What about Sungjong and Sungyeol? We've shown you nothing but love, Dongwoo, and it's not because we feel pity, but because you are our brother and brothers don't let one another down when they're in need. We're not 'sick of you' and we don't think you're overreacting. None of us do."

He pouted and slouched a bit.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, actually. I'm impressed."

I cocked my head to the side. "With what?"

He gave a half grin. "You. That was a lot."

"Well I had a lot to say," I answered simply.

**Rule #9: Challenge his destructive thoughts.**

"Fuck!" Dongwoo yelled stomping on the ground in frustration. He threw his hands up and ran his fingers roughly through his hair with a groan. "I'm never going to get this!"

I handed him a bottle of water. It was just us two at the studio today, working on duo dances. "Don't say that, we can do it together. I'll help. And if that doesn't work, we can get the choreographer back in here tomorrow to reteach that step."

He drank a huge gulp from the water before recapping it and tossing it off into the corner of the room. "Let me try again," he said, already standing in front of the mirror and ready to give it another go. I respected the enthusiasm, but he was too wound up right now, and nothing good ever comes from dancing when you're frustrated with dancing itself.

"Just take a quick break with me. I'm tired."

"No, I almost have it. You go take your break, I'm just going to-"

I blocked him access to the music player and he stared at me in a confused manner. He was about to question, but I spoke up before he could even comment. "We're taking a break. Look at how tense you are."

"I'm fi-"

"No you're not, come sit here," I said firmly, pointing to a spot on the floor. He obeyed my order; the authority in my voice was not to be messed with. He sat himself crosslegged on the floor where I'd pointed, and then looked up at me expectantly. I came up behind him and knelt down facing his back. He tried to turn to see me but I grabbed his shoulders and made him face forward again. With my hands already in place on his shoulders, I massaged them firmly, working through tough knots I found in his muscles.

He groaned loudly when he realized what I was doing, feeling good from my actions. "Do you see how tense you are now?"

He could do nothing but nod in response to the question, leaning over to put his elbows on his knees to support himself. I working my fingers hard into those tough spots on his back, making him wince but not complain.

"So what's going on?" I asked, knowing something was going through his mind to make him so stressed today.

"Nothing," he groaned out. "I just want to get the dance right."

"Okay well what are you feeling right now?" I pushed. He was learning to be more open with me, and would often seek me out when he needed me. Sometimes it was nothing more than a hug he needed, and I knew when it was that, because he would approach me and without a single word, press his body as close to mine as possible. I'd wrap my arms around him and we would stand there in the middle of whatever room we were in while everyone went about their business around us, but I wouldn't move until he was okay again. Now wasn't like that, though. He'd usually open up to me without my prompting, but sometimes it was still necessary.

"Like a failure. I'm a failure, I'm stupid, I can't dance, I'm unlovable-"

I'd listened patiently up to that point, but as soon as that last word came out of his mouth, I couldn't listen anymore. "Well, that's where you're going wrong, then," sounding as if I'd just solved all of the world's problems. "You're not stupid- you knew to come to me. You can dance- you didn't make it into this group from bribery. You're not a failure- look at all that we've accomplished together. You've come so far since debut and fans adore you," I told him truthfully. "And you're not unlovable-  _I_ love you."

**Rule #10: _Remind him why I love him._**

Today marks two years since Dongwoo's family was cruelly taken from him. He's come so far and I am so proud of him- as is the rest of Infinite. He laughs and has fun much more easily. Inspirits noticed the changes in him and support him as well as they can. He is still on his antidepressants, but that's not all that he needs to make him enjoy his life and the company of those around him.

I didn't think this would even need to be on my list, but apparently, the insecurity is ever-present. I didn't mind, though... Telling Dongwoo that I loved him has never been a chore for me, and it never will be.

I became aware of his recurring self-doubt when he came to me that night when I was reading in bed, crawling in beside me and cuddling up to my side. I continued to read but held him there with one arm as his head rested on my chest.

"Hoaegi, do you love me?" he blurted out all of a sudden.

Surprised at the sudden question, I closed the book without even marking my page and tossed it to my bedside table. This required my full attention. I kept one arm around him as my now free hand stroked his hair gently. "Of course I love you, Woo. Why would you need to ask?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, rubbing his face a bit against my shirt. "But..  _why_  do you love me?"

I grinned a small half smile- not at his insecurity, but rather at how cute I found this man. "I love you because you're the most incredible man I've ever met. You take care of me so well, and I do my very best to do the same for you because just the thought of you not being happy is enough to make me feel sick inside. I love you because of your optimism and your emotional strength. It helps that I find you to be overwhelmingly attractive-"

He cut me off by hitting me on the chest, but I could feel him smiling against me. He lifted his head up to look at me. I was laying comfortably on my back as he crawled over on top of me eagerly, leaning down to catch my lips in a not-so-chaste kiss that had me needing more. We hadn't done anything more that kiss for  _so long_ , but it's not like I would ever pressure him into anything. I was patient throughout this entire ordeal, and what's a little more waiting at this point?

I put my hand on his lower back to bring him flush against me, prying open his lips so I could taste him. It was a dizzying feeling, and the way he moaned softly into my mouth was nothing short of sexy.

He fisted his hands in the front of my shirt so he could pull me with him when he rolled over onto his back, wanting me on top. I grinned and leaned back down to continue our previous activities as his hands wandered freely over my body. "Howon," he managed between kisses.

"Hmm?" I questioned, pulling away from his lips to find the pulse point on his neck with my tongue. As soon as I found it, I was already sucking.

"Do you love me?" he repeated his previous question, making me pull away to look him in the eyes in confusion.

"I do, Dongwoo. I love you so much-"

"Show me."

**Author's Note:**

> this is my baby


End file.
